This assessment helps you uncover what’s really motivating your behavior toward your wife—whether it's fear, selfishness, obligation, or love rooted in your identity in Christ.

1. When my wife is disappointed with me, I usually...
Stay grounded and gently ask what she’s feeling. Try to fix it immediately so she’s not upset anymore. Shut down or silently withdraw. Blame her or get defensive.

2. When I do something kind for my wife, it’s usually because...
I want to show love and stay aligned with who I am. I want her to think well of me. I want to avoid tension or conflict. I’m hoping she’ll do something back for me.

3. When my wife is upset or emotional, I...
Stay calm and listen with compassion. Get anxious and try to make her feel better. Freeze up and wait until it passes. Get frustrated and say something sharp.

4. If I feel my wife is being unfair or unreasonable, I tend to...
Respond based on who I want to be, not how she’s acting. Try to convince her she’s wrong. Avoid the conversation altogether. Match her tone or criticize her back.

5. I would describe my motivation in marriage as...
To honor God and love my wife regardless of her response. To keep the peace and avoid failure. To meet my needs and feel respected. To not feel like a bad husband or Christian.

6. When I need something in our marriage, I...
Ask clearly and gently, and trust God even if she can’t meet it. Drop hints or manipulate to get it. Say nothing and hope she notices. Demand or guilt-trip her into action.

7. I think of leadership in marriage as...
Loving sacrificially and setting the spiritual tone. Making decisions to keep things running smoothly. Something I try to avoid. Getting her to do what I want.

8. When I serve my wife...
I feel joy and purpose because I’m becoming who I’m meant to be. I feel exhausted or unnoticed. I do it, but I feel resentful. I don’t often serve her without strings attached.

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Assessment #1: Heart Check — Why Do I Treat My Wife the Way I Do?