Grace Church

Resolving Conflicts by Fighting Fair

Human conflict is a subject that in the past would have made me very uncomfortable because of how I grew up learning of conflict. In my mind conflict equaled disapproval, or if toward an elder, disrespect. I have since come to learn that God allows this inevitable process between humans as a part of our growth in Him, and also so we can grow in relationship with each other.

Proverbs 27:17 says “Iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.” In this verse we can see that God uses us to refine one another. Conflict is a part of our sanctification. However, many of us avoid conflict with the intention of trying to either protect ourselves or to protect the other person.

Unfortunately, when we avoid relationships out of fear of conflict, we are really avoiding growth. If we are objective in our conflicts, we can often see that the biggest enemy is not the other person, but our own flesh which God is trying to refine. James 4:1 says the source of our quarrels and conflicts is our own lusts. This means that where there is conflict, there is flesh. Conflict is often a painful, yet enlightening sign that there is something in us that God is trying to prune. When we respond in humility, we can be refined by the process.

The flip side of this issue is a fear of speaking the truth to others in an effort to protect the other person. However, the truth sets us free, so withholding truth to avoid conflict is not loving. Ephesians 4:15 tells us that by “speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in all aspects into Him.” This is a hard concept to grasp if in our pasts conflict was used for retaliation rather than reconciliation. But God’s version of conflict is that it be an avenue for greater relationship with each other as Proverbs 28:23 points out: “he who rebukes a man will afterward find more favor than he who flatters with the tongue.”

Ultimately, in any conflict we have to remember that the relationship itself is more important than the issue at hand. A good question to ask ourselves is “what is my goal in this conflict?” We should be seeking to grow together in love, not to fight for our own agendas. If love is our motivation, we can come out of conflict in greater intimacy with each other, because love covers a multitude of sins.